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Bye

Updated: Jul 14, 2020

It has chewed me up and spit me out, I have just recently found out I have caused immense pain in another life. I don't deserve a place I can feel safe speaking my mind. My mind is evil and I don't want anyone to see it. I am terrible. no way I can forgive this sin. I condemn my self to hell. life is not fair. people come and go finding nothing to do. I work for nothing for no one. God, why have you forsaken me? what have I done? you may ask.

I molested my best friend's girlfriend. I want to be in cuffs for this. I want to be hung for this. Her life would have been so much better if I was never born. The pain I caused her, I want back tenfold. Please God punish me. make me cry. Suffering is what I need. Suffering is to live. I don't deserve that. I need death.

I truly never felt this much hate towards a human being, and it's me. My parents would miss me, but I'm starting to think suicide is a real option. It won't stop running through my mind. I put a gun to my temple and pull the trigger. it keeps playing on repeat. Why the fuck was I born? just to suffer? Please God take my life away from me.

If I make another blog that's how you'll know I decided not to go through with it. Please pray that I will find a way to forgive my self. I love you all.


UPDATE:


I WANT TO WRITE THROUGH THIS, BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO WRITE I DRAW A BLANK. NOTHING WILL COME OUT. IM SO SELFISH. IF SHE CAN LIVE WITH IT SO CAN I. IT JUST FEELS LIKE, I'M LOSING IT. GOING A BIT CRAZY. I CAN'T SEEM TO LEAVE MY EGO BEHIND ANYMORE. DON'T CALL THE POLICE, SUICIDE IS OFF THE TABLE. I JUST HAVE TO TAKE MY OWN ADVICE AND LIVE WITH IT. I WAS SO DAMN HAPPY THIS MORNING.

I CAN'T LIVE WITH THIS PAIN, BUT EVERYONE IS GONNA TELL ME TO NOT KILL MYSELF. I HAVE GOT TO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME EXAMPLES BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING? I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS TO HANG WITH, I DON'T HAVE A INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE BECAUSE WELL, BECAUSE OF THIS. I LOVE MY FAMILY BUT THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME. I'M SO ALONE. WILL THIS EVER END? LIKE I'm READY TO LEAVE THIS WORLD. POLICE KILLING ANOTHER BLACK PERSON EVERY DAY. EVERYONE WANTS TO IGNORE THE SYSTEMIC RACISM ALL AROUND. PEOPLE CUTTING OFF THEIR SELF FROM THE WORLD BY LYING TO THEIR SELF AND OTHERS ABOUT WHO THEY REALLY ARE. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE SEE THE LOVE I SEE IN EVERY ONE. WHY CAN'T I SEE THE LOVE IN ME ANYMORE. WHY IS IT THAT IF A THUG KILLED MY MOM OR DAD I COULD FORGIVE HIM, BUT I CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THIS. I SHOULDN'T FORGIVE MYSELF, AND I CAN'T LET IT GO LIKE I CAN DO WITH EVERYTHING ELSE. THIS IS STUCK IN ME AND WILL NEVER COME OUT. I HOPE I CAN RETURN TO WRITING ONE DAY, BUT FOR NOW, I AM DONE.



I was scared



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